My Satire: Germ Style!

I like to think of myself as someone with a good sense of humor but that doesn't always come through in my writing. Last summer, I took Advanced Writing, with the ultra-awesome Dr. Barry, who really encouraged me to let loose on my humor as we tackled writing satires.  These were big hits so I thought I'd share some for laughs.  Remember, this is a satire and highly tongue-in-cheek!!  Ignore the weird formatting, I ran out of patience and just left it as is.  The following is my fake parenting article for my fake parenting magazine.  Sometimes parents really take things to the extreme so this is my loving tribute to all the over-reactive mothers! Enjoy my silly satire and don't forget to wash your hands! 

Easy Tips to Create the Germ-Free Kid:

as featured in Mothering Magazine.

Alright moms, let’s face it—who wasn’t freaked-out last fall over the swine-flu?  We

 here at Mothering have heard all about it from moms all over the nation.  One mom-blogger,

Darcy Duston, vented her stress about germs in her online blog, Darcy’s Diva Dilemmas:  

So, I was walkin’ in Wal-Mart today and scored a 20 gal. tub of hand-sanitizer that was on sale for 2.99!!  Oh yeah, baby!!  Then I started thinkin’ on how the heck am I gonna to keep my little guy, Blazer, safe from all the germs this winter? Seriously, the hand sanny will be gone by then!  My lil’ piggy got swine-flu last year!  I’m havin’ major stress already J!!  I am goin’ nutz!  LOL!  Got any ideas?

            Yes, Darcy, we have the solution to your problems! The Blogger-Problem-Solving-staff

here at Mothering chatted with the non-profit O.C.D. (Organizing Children’s Defense) to get

some awesome tips to keep your kids germ-free.  We spoke to Bert Jones, Family Germ-

Prevention Chair at O.C.D., who gave us five fun tips for your family to try:

1.     Don’t Trust Naked Food: By “naked”, we refer to food that is not packaged or canned.

 Remember the spinach e coli scare in 2006?  It’s just not worth eating unwrapped

food that has been open and receptive to germs and diseases.  Liberal organizations,

like the FDA, recommend washing naked food before consumption.  However, we feel

the potential risks far outweigh their solution.

2.     Don’t Eat At Home: Studies conducted by O.C.D. researchers show that kitchen

counters carry an average of 5 billion germs per square inch!  With those kinds of

numbers, cooking and preparing food at home cannot be safe for anyone.  We highly

recommend eating-out as much as possible.  Restaurants must meet federal, state

and city food-safety-standards.  We note that employees wear gloves, hair-nets and

have access to industrial-strength cleaning agents not available for public use. 

Clearly, homes are not “safe-food” friendly. We do note that some restaurants persist

in serving naked foods, like salads or fruit kabobs.  We recommend you politely

request canned or pre-packaged alternatives instead. 

3.     Take Proper “Play-Date” Precautions:  Children carry more germs per square-inch

than kitchen counters!  O.C.D. studies show that a child is twenty-five times more

likely to become sick after playing with another child than if he played alone.  While it

would be ideal for children never to play together, we do realize that play-dates

happen.  We recommend each mother assemble her own Play-Date Safety Kit with a

few easy-to -find, inexpensive items from your local pharmacy.  The following items

should ensure your child’s safety from any germs his/her friend may bring in:

                        Face Masks:                                        $1.99

     Plastic Gloves:                                    $2.36

                        Lysol Spray:                                        $3.12

                        Sanitizing Wipes:                                $4.56

                        50 Gal. Hand Sanitizer:                       $50.87

                        Immunization Shots:                            $325.89

                        (use if your child’s friend is not fully vaccinated)

           

4.     Don’t Forget To Wash:  Extensive field-research tests, conducted by O.C.D., show

that children who frequently wash will develop life-long, good hygiene habits.  O.C.D.

celebrity spokesman, Howie Mandel, suggests the following washing

recommendations:

“Have your children wash every time they: eat, use the bathroom, wake up, come inside, go outside, watch t.v., answer the phone, open the door, sit down, stand up, lie down, jump, run, skip or think.  This has totally kept me germ-free my entire life.  I have also found that fist-bumping is a good alternative to hand-shaking.” 

5.     Don’t Forget That Germs Are Monsters: While O.C.D. doesn’t advocate scaring

children, we do advocate informing children of the dangers around them. Remember, an

informed child is a clean child!  We suggest purchasing our 5-DVD-series titled: “The

Monsters Around Me: A Child’s View of Germs” which feature every germ a child may

come in contact with—magnified 3-million-times larger for clarity.  Each DVD features

a villain like, “Dastardly Dust Mite” or “Criminal Cough”, who combats with the hero,

“Mr. Sanitizer” or “Buddy Bleach”.  Of course, the hero always wins but not before the

child has caught a glimpse of the powerful punch a germ can pack. 

For teens, we recommend our newest DVD, “Parasite vs. Puberty”, an in-depth

 look at teens suffering from germs in third-world-countries.  Your teen will never view

 the world around him/her the same again.  The DVDs are specially priced for the low

price of $335.82 for the entire 5-disk-set, including “Parasite vs. Puberty”. 

For a limited time the DVD, “It Happened To Me: Dirty Kids Talk”, will be

included at no additional cost. Please call 1-800-GRM-FREE.  Operators are standing

by, with ample amounts of sanitizer and hands-free phones to take your order.

See how totally easy it is to keep your children germ-free! We here at Mothering

are pumped to check out the cool DVDs!  So, Darcy, no worries!  We are confident that

following O.C.D.’s easy and simple guidelines will lead to a happy Blazer and a germ-

free family!